The labels of lockdown
Wednesday evening, 25 March 2020. Time: 23:59. My alarm goes off. The sirene of the movie ‘The Purge’ sounds through the speaker. I forgot I had put that as an alarm. The doors of my balcony are open, it is a warm night. It is a ‘once in your lifetime’ night, I guess. New Zealand goes in a four-week lockdown to flatten the curve of Coronavirus. Four weeks, no contact, no shopping, no food deliveries, no friends and no office. The people you are with at 23:59 pm, are the ones you will spend four weeks with. I look around my living room: no one there. This is it, four weeks by myself.
The following days I got a lot of text messages, emails and calls. ‘How I was doing? Was I alright? Was I holding on? Don’t let this stupid virus take you down! You’ve got this.’ And I wondered why I got these messages. Okay, I was on my own, but a lot of people are, right? When I asked a few people about it, it became clear why they were concerned: ‘It is hard to be on your own when you are an extrovert like you!’.*
*Thanks to everyone who reached out to check up on me! I really appreciate it that I have so many people looking out for me.
Introvert vs extrovert
Over more than 100 years, theories of extroversion (the spectrum of how introverted or extroverted someone is) have been apparent in lots of psychological literature. It is important to note that there’s no ‘better’ level of extroversion or introversion. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. Also, it is not either/or. A person has a level of extroversion, they are not just an extrovert or introvert.
Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, proposed his ideas in the exploration of personality including the constructs of introversion and extroversion. Introverts are more directed inwards. They think, feel and act in ways that suggest the subject is the prima motivation factor. Extroverts, on the other hand, direct their interest outwards to their surrounding environment. They think, feel and act in relation to external factors rather than the subjective. (source: https://positivepsychology.com/introversion-extroversion-spectrum/)
In reality, most of us have traits based on both. Rather than a clear cut label, extroversion is regarded as a spectrum. We use a lot of times personality assessments that tell you if you are an ‘extrovert’ or an ‘introvert’. While it is easy to say an individual is either an extrovert or introvert, in reality, the multi-faceted nature of behaviour makes such assessments more of a guess.
There are some areas where we can guess if someone can be an introvert or an extrovert: how they communicate, how they act in social environments and how they make decisions. But again, it is behaviour that we are labelling. Behaviour is complex, it has been automated based on experiences and upbringing. It is not that black and white. I wrote an article some time ago about behaviour in the workplace.
I think not a lot of people understand what extroversion actually means. A lot of people who know me will instantly say ‘she is a true extrovert’. I will let you in on a secret: I am more on the spectrum of an introvert.
This got me questioning: why do people think I am an extrovert?
The three major reasons people think I am an extrovert
I had some conversations about why people think I am an extrovert. This is what came out.
1. I am loud and present at work
Every morning when I come to the office (yes, this is pre-COVID-19) I say out loud ‘Good morning!!!!’. If the Friday arvo drinks are up, I’m the one who grabs the wine first and put some music on. If it is to quiet in the office, I will make a funny noise out loud. Everyone knows when I am in the office or at a party.
2. I like to take the stage
I am not afraid to present in front of a group, do talks on stage with more than 700 people. I can facilitate workshops on the fly and I will MC your event if that is needed. I will probably be one of the first people who offers to go on stage.
3. I will start the party
On the Christmas party last year, I was the one who made sure there was some dance action going on. Whenever there is a gathering of people, work or with friends, I will probably be the one who makes a fool out of herself. I’m just trying to make it fun and awkward as possible, so other people feel less uncomfortable to join me. If you go to a bar with me, chances are small that we will sit down on a stool and chat. Somewhere during the night, we need to dance and I will tell you when that moment has come.
Seeing these reasons makes me understand why people think I am an extrovert. To be honest, some traits of an extrovert I can totally link with.
How I know I am an introvert
Looking at the traits of an introverted person, I relate to a lot. These three traits are most important to me and tell more about my personality.
- I need to be alone to recharge
For me, I recharge my energy by being on my own. I am always thinking of something. My brain just never, ever stops. My mind keeps me occupied even when I don’t want to be (like when I’m trying to sleep…). It is constantly on: new ideas, conversations, plans, analysing, worrying, everything.
This whole lockdown is actually working pretty well for me. Finally, I don’t feel the social pressure to attend gatherings or events. I can read a lot of books, think about a thousand things, be alone with my own thoughts. Take the time to digest information. Just sit there, doing nothing.
2. I like people but then again I don’t
If I meet people I want to really get to know them. I want to make people feel comfortable and help them, that’s one of the reasons why I love being a coach. On the other hand, it’s draining to be around people. I put a lot of effort and time into relationships/connections and therefore it costs a lot of energy for me to be around people. It is literally ‘work’ for me and luckily I like the work as well. During the lockdown, I found out this feeling is not directly linked to physically being around people.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about why I was mentally exhausted during this lockdown. Because my brain makes overtime I sometimes am more focussed on processing the information and making sure I understand the situation. I’m self-aware of my actions, words and behaviour (that doesn’t mean that I act correctly all the time) and like to think before I make a decision. And in order to do that, I need to be alone.
3. I don’t feel comfortable to connect with strangers in big groups
In my work, it is really helpful to have a big network. Getting a big network most of the time means you need to reach out to strangers. I am all good with doing that if it is a one-on-one conversation but if I’m in a group of people, I shut down. I will wait until someone else interacts with me but I will never start the conversation in a group. At an (network) event I will push myself to act more as an ‘extrovert’. And this is a good example of why it is so hard to judge people on certain behaviour: sometimes the behaviour that you see is ‘staged’ and not how someone actually is.
I will be on stage doing a talk, and I expect that people will reach out to me afterwards. With that expectation, I mingle. After that, I am exhausted. It is hard work to balance my goal (the intention to expand my network) with my feelings.
Introvert with an extroverted behaviour
Some things in life we can categorise: the colour of your eyes, the length of someone, if you are left or right-handed. Human behaviour is not one of those things that we can categorise that easily. It comes from experiences, traumas and beliefs. Those are linked to triggers and form an automated response to certain situations. For me, some of those experiences have resulted in anxiety and that brings a coping mechanism in my behaviour. Lots of behaviour that I show (and can be linked to extroverts) are a coping mechanism to deal with my fear. For example, I have huge anxiety that people don't like me. I connect being a fun party starter, will make people laugh and think I’m funny and easy-going. And you can not dislike funny, easy-going people, right?
I make assumptions on how people think I need to act in certain situations. Based on those assumptions I choose a behaviour what I think suits that particular situation. It does not all come so natural as many people may think. I know how to perform, which mask to choose and what act to play. It is work. Being on my own, or with only one person I really feel comfortable with and trust, I can drop my mask and stop the act. Recharge.
To wrap this up
The Coronavirus and the lockdown in all its shapes and forms have an impact on the world. That is a fact. It has an impact on people, that's a fact as well. Being in lockdown isn’t harder or easier for people with a certain label. As much as I like being on my own, I miss my friends, the lunches, the nights out and being on client site.
It has to do with something everyone can relate to: we want what we can’t have. For the past 8 weeks, I am craving for dinners and seeing friends. Now that we are in level 2 and we are actually allowed to do so, it seems less appealing. It has nothing to do with a label of introvert or extrovert. It has to do with being human.
Don’t be fooled by the quiet ones behind their desks, the spotlight junkies or the wallflowers. We can not see who is an introvert or an extrovert, we can only guess based on behaviour. And even though you sometimes might be right with that assumption, you can also be very wrong. Let’s try not to put people into a box and spend some time to figure out who someone really is. Instead of asking someone if they are an introvert or an extrovert, ask how they recharge their energy. I think it is unfortunate to put people in a box and treat them accordingly. It can make you blind to really interesting behaviours and quirks.
