What I always wanted to ask you
‘For Blog’s Sake!’ — 10 stories in 10 days
What if you had a chance to ask that one question to that one person that is not part of your life anymore? What if you could get the answer to something that is on your mind for many years? Would it help you to move on? To make you feel better? If you did got the chance to ask the question to that particular person, what would it be? Here are four questions I would like to ask four people who were at some moment, and in some way part of my life.
To my grandpa: what life lesson did you learn that you would like to pass on to me?
I have so many questions for you, gramps. I feel like, even though I had you in my life for 20 years, that our time together was too short. I never really had the conversations I now would love to have with you. About your upbringing, teenage years, the war, and life lessons you learned along the way. To show you how I went from a teenager to the woman I am now. The woman that took a plane to the other side of the world trying to find happiness on her own. What would you think about that? Crazy, eh! I’ve been thinking of you, gramps. Not just because your anniversary is coming up but also because I work in the marine space now. Boats surrounding me the whole time and I can’t stop thinking of our little trips on the water. Oopie, what would you teach me to take with me on my journey if we had one more chance? Miss you still.
To my friend: Could we’ve done anything to help you not make the decision you’ve made?
When I arrived in New Zealand, you were the one who called me almost immediately. When I moved to my apartment on Queen Street, looking out on Mecca cosmetics, a shop across the street, you called me to joke about finding my own Mecca. I still remember our catch-up in Berlin, both pretending we were doing so well. Ever since the night I got the phone call, I keep on wondering: could we have done anything to help you make a different decision than you did? I truly hope you are in a better place, looking all fresh and stylish as only you could. When I pass Mecca, it is you that invades my mind for a minute and I am thankful because you still make me smile even though you are not here anymore.
To my German teacher in high school: As a grown woman, did you had any awareness of how much impact you made on young girls?
Teachers have a great impact on teenagers. A role model that is going to leave footprints on your life journey. Footprints that we sometimes wish were never created. I wonder if some of my teachers actually understand what impact they had. It has been years ago since the last time I walked into your classroom for my German lessons. I was probably around 15 years old, you were a grown-up woman, sophisticated and well dressed, how I remembered. Yet, you choose to ignore what type of role model you could have been and use your position to be demeaning. Giving me ‘advice’ to pick a career that involved my hands and where I could just be ‘pretty and smile a lot.’ Commenting on how girly I looked and judging me on my intelligence only because I didn’t do well in your class. It hurt me back then, more than I truly understood. I am not angry about it, I am though really curious why you didn’t recognise the impact of your words, your role. Especially as a woman, I would have hoped that you used your words in supporting girls to go for every career they wanted, even if they were shit in the German language.
To my ex: What have you learned from us/me that you still value nowadays?
Most of the time we look back at previous relationships with anger or resentment. And yes, there was a time that I looked at ours that way too. But I also learned so much from you and us. Things that made me a better person and one day make me a better partner. And I question often what you learned from me or us that made you grow as a person. Made you a better partner in your new relationship today. I hope that you value this, whatever it is, and that you see how you have grown since we first met till when we part ways.
Time is valuable and it goes by quicker than we sometimes see and acknowledge. Ask the questions you have to either make you feel better, learn something or just be curious. So, if there is anything you would’ve wanted to ask me, what would it be?
